eBay Bans Spells, Potions, and Curses

| 17 Aug 2012 13:07

A new draconian sales policy tosses working-class wizards out on the street.

These are hard times for wizards. With the economy tanked and unemployment soaring, it's always the incidental commodities that seem to lose consumer interest first. Whether that means passing on the day's second latte, saving gas by biking to the office once a week, or forgoing a monthly spell of virility, people are making hard cuts everywhere they can. For wizards, witches, warlocks, voodoo-meisters, curse-casters, and general hex-doers, things are about to get even worse; eBay is closing down one of their few, precious means of peddling potions, granting wishes, and forcing magical love via the internet to deserving Muggles everywhere.

As part of its 2012 Fall Seller Update, eBay has chosen to officially ban the sale of "spells; curses; hexing; conjuring; magic; prayers; blessing services; magic potions; and healing sessions." This comes after previous bans on things such as the vending of humans, their bodies, and the parts that comprise them, leading many to wonder just where this tyrannical company will finally draw the line. What's next on the chopping block, eBay? Videogames, bicycles, the very air we breathe? Sheesh. It's getting worse than Port Foozle around here.

Until the ban goes into effect, you're still free to choose from a vast array of magiks currently available on the site. Feeling lonely? Perhaps you'd be interested in a "Love Trap Spell", guaranteed to "give them NO CHOICE but to love YOU." Bored with your fragile human form? eBay user Fiona-lunar has just the ticket: a "Powerful magic spell of werewolf transformation" that includes a full refund if you don't wind up with the power of direct communication with nature, a more youthful and attractive human form and, of course, the ability to shapeshift into a powerful and cunning wolf at will. If your problems aren't relegated to a solitary flaw, you may want to consider the "Haunted metaphysical courage discipline success respect wealth spell ring" instead.

For those wanting to get in on some last-minute insta-sexiness, -wealthiness, or -wolfiness (and who wouldn't?), you'd better act quick. These spells and ones like it will soon only be available through those shady, black market alleyways of the internet where, without eBay's regulatory process, disreputable sellers won't be keen to offer full refunds or fast shipping on their questionable spells of indeterminate origin.


Image: POWERFUL MAGIC SPELL OF WEREWOLF TRANSFORMATION lycan shapeshift vampire haunted via eBay

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